So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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