look no pants
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
