i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im holly from the hills drunk
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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