my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My life is pants optional.
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