So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
