I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Congratulations! We have a period
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
