I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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