Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
