we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
