im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
