I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it hurts more in the daytime
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
