that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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