im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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