if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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