Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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