I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
