My boss' voice literally gives me gas
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
