last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
