He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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