please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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