just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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