remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
