First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
