I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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