Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
