The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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