Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
