Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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