I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
