the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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