nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
