Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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