He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize