he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
