and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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