1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
