The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
