I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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