I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
