dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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