She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
