I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My day in three words: secret purse cake
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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