I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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