i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
