I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
