I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
