So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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