I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
