forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
