If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
