She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
