dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
