I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
