I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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