I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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