just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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