sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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