Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
